I Look
by Lady Callista
Summary: Buffy's thoughts soon after she is resurrected by Willow and the gang. A moody, introspective piece that deals with her trying to come to terms with being alive again.


I Look

By Lady Callista

Disclaimer: "I Look" is a poem by Obstfelder, but he's been dead so long I'm not sure it matters. Buffy and company belong to Joss Whedon, UPN, WB, Fox, Mutant Enegy, Sandollar, and whoever else is involved with the show. I'm not. If I were, fanfic wouldn't be necessary because there would be nothing that needed improvement.

Author's Notes: This is my only BtVS fic that's not centered on B&A, and it's my very first try at writing a whole story in one person's POV. So be gentle. I've quoted the entire poem "I Look." The poem is in quotations marks, and Buffy's thoughts are in italics. (Also - does anyone know how to make fanficnet NOT put a space between each line? As you can see from some of my other stories, I used to be able to do this, and I'm using the same programs and everything, but for some reason it won't work now. Did fanficnet change something again?)

(This is set a day or two after Buffy's brought back from the dead after the Glory thing)

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"I look at the white heavens,

I look at the gray-blue clouds,

I look at the blood-red sun."

_It's cold. And dark._

_I wonder if it was ever anything else. _

_Did I ever stand here at my window, looking down, and not be cold? _

_Was it ever noon and still I could only see the dark?_

_Were there ever any colors? _

_Was life ever more than black and grays?_

_Did I ever feel warm here?_

_Was it ever light?_

_I can't remember._

"So that is the world,

So that is the home of the spheres."

_Where am I? _

_Where is this place I have come to?_

_It can't be the world I left._

_In heaven, I was happy. _

_But I remember when I was there, I knew that the world I had been in had been happy too. _

_I knew there had been problems, but I also knew I had been loved, and had had friends, and fun, and laughter, and joy, and sorrow, and pain, and loss... but I had felt. There had been emotion. Now there was nothing._

_Where was I?_

"A raindrop!"

_Something splashes down on the windowsill, and for a moment I don't know what it is. _

_Then I feel the wetness on my face. _

_It is a tear, I am crying._

_Why?_

_I'm not feeling anything. _

_Nothing is causing it._

_Why?_

"I look at the tall houses,

I look at the thousand windows,

I look at the distant church tower."

_This world looks so wrong to me._

_Heaven doesn't have buildings, souls don't exactly need them._

_Heaven is trees and fields, caves and seas, clean air and unpolluted lands and waters. _

_Heaven is beauty. Everywhere._

_Where is the beauty here?_

_Why do tall buildings block the sun's dim light?_

_Why do people isolate themselves in a car or a house?_

_Why do people work inside and stare out the window at where they really want to be?_

"So that is the earth,

So that is the home of mankind."

_I don't think I belong here anymore. _

_I don't even remember a time that I did._

_I look at everything and everyone around me, but I don't really see them. I don't interact with them. _

_I'm just kind of here. _

_But I'm not here. Or I shouldn't be here._

_I don't remember ever belonging. But it's even worse now._

"The blue-gray clouds amass. The sun is gone."

_It seemed dark before, even at noon. Compared to the endless light of Heaven it was. _

_But now it's really dark._

_Finally something familiar._

_I don't know why, but this true darkness makes me more comfortable than I've been since I came back._

_I wonder why I like the darkness. The cold suddenly appeals as well._

_I can't remember why._

"I look at the well-dressed gentlemen,

I look at the smiling ladies,

I look at the straining horses."

_The window becomes tiresome. I move about my room, looking at pictures. _

_I barely register that in four months they didn't move one thing._

_Xander and Willow and me, smiling, laying on my bed in a big tangle._

_I don't remember it happening, but the picture tells all._

_Xander, Cordelia, Oz, Willow, and I on the pier during our junior year._

_We're all grinning and mugging for the camera. _

_Me and Mom and Dawn in some formal setting, all dressed up and pretty._

_There are more, and I look at each one, but no memories come. _

_I'm still cold. _

_It's still dark._

_But somehow that's okay._

"How heavy the blue-gray clouds are!"

_Some memory filters back. _

_A warm presence next to me. A warm arm around my waist._

_A light overhead, shining on me and warming me to the bone._

_I instantly forget the snatch of memory._

_I was not happy then, something tells me._

_Was I ever? _

_Or was I happy then?_

_And maybe the memory only fails in comparison to the light and warmth I've been sheltered in for the past months?_

"I look, I look...

I have surely come upon a wrong planet!"

_Why does the dark and the cold suddenly appeal to me? _

_Something tells me that's not how I should be,_

_But something else says that's how it always was._

_It's not cause I'm the Slayer. _

_It's something else._

_If I could only remember what._

"It is so strange here..."

_Suddenly my eyes glance past one picture._

_Then they focus on it._

_Buried in the back of my desk._

_Not as if I didn't want to see it, but as if I was unsuccessfully trying to avoid staring at it everyday._

_Emotion returns._

_Memories flood back._

_I remember why I existed in the day, but lived for the dark._

_I remember why the touch of cold always excited me._

_I look._

_And I see._

_And I feel. _

_And I remember._

_My Angel._

FINIS

AN: I had to read the poem for a literature class once, only weeks after the 6th Season of Buffy began airing. Something in it grabbed me, and made me think of Buffy, and this poem was created. It's certainly not one of my best works, but when I originally posted it on the lists I used to be on it received a fairly good response, so I figured I might as well add it to my collection here. Reviews would be wonderful, as I do have a few more pieces like this one but won't bother putting them up if this isn't a style people like. Thanks.


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